What’s your story?

It’s been a year since i wrote here. So what’s the story during 1 year of my absence here?

Pandemic happened since early March and we’ve been living in great fear until today. First 3 weeks of isolation seems fine until it becomes 3 months.. and now already 5 months since it was all began. Okay not gonna talk about the pandemic.

I will be talking about me. Leaving my previous job probably the bravest decision i have ever made. I’ve been mentally struggle to cope with everything happened there. The rollercoaster, the loneliness, and everything that never seems fair. I am happy with my job today, and i am glad I made the decision. It was not an easy decision fo sho. I kept back and forth like 3 times until i realized i need to step out from my so called ‘comfort-zone’. Well, to be honest it was not giving me comfort anymore.

But that’s okay. This is life, you’ll just need to embrace whatever life has offerred. Most importantly, I survived till now, and I have better chance now for which I am glad.

That’s pretty much about my corporate hustle life. And, now? How am I feeling now? Truthfully, I am very lonely. I have never felt this before. Not only being isolated from outside world, but at some point I just realized I have one from my new workplace to talk personally. I am not sad, I’m just lonely.

Before pandemic era, I used to fill in those empty space with just small talk with my work friends. Socializing around just to let loose my burden a little bit. But i know now why people saying, “when life gives you lemon, then you just need to make lemonade”. My take on this one : now probably is the right time for me to avoid all of the attachment with my workplace before it all even began. I just need to focus on what to do and how to survive. This doesn’t made me sounds like having a rebound, right? I hope not.

Another thing that pandemics era strikes the most are relationship with your significant others. I have no wonder why many divorce cases happening in all of the part of the worlds. While probably some of the couple gain so much more intimacy, there are many couples just having so much hardship during this time.

Bad economy, frustation, cummulative issues arised, distrust, violence, parenting, and many other things that you just can’t imagine. I have my own issues also which I am basically a very selfish human being. When something arises to the surface and I need to be a bigger person, it’s what make me struggle the most. To accept things. To let go and move on. At the end of the day, I just need to ask for mercy and strength to Allah SWT The Almighty. I holds no power to refuse, I just thankful that I have ‘enough’ to beat it.

I know there are so many heartbreaking story happening nowadays. I know 2020 is hard. Everyone strives. Everyone faces their own challenges. I just want to remind myself also, “the light shines brightly when it’s dark enough”.

Just like my favourit part from Mikrocosmos: “You got me
I dream while looking at you
I got you
Inside those pitch black nights
The lights we saw in each other
Were saying the same thing
Starlight that shines brighter in the darkest night”.

When you get older…

Is it true that the more we get older, the smaller circle that we have? I probably saying it many times recently, because it is what I am feeling now.

In my youth, telling something about how i feel, what i’ve been through, what bothers me, anything that i can tell to someone then I will bluntly tell them. It feels relief when finally you tell everything to somebody. I can understand now why teenagers, young adults, are carefree. They can tell everything that came to their mind and speak confidently even to someone that they know little about.

But now, at least in my age, i feel like i have no one to trust to tell every single thing about my life. So, the trust issue occured. I have no confidence telling every details about myself even to my closest friend. Funny thing that came to my mind, probably talking to strangers that know nothing at all about you could ease the lack of trust to tell them about your deepest secret.

I usually spent hours to talk on the phone with friends. Not only girls, but i often spent at least 1 hour talking to boys (friend). Sometimes i told them story, sometimes they told me their story and ask me for some advice just like i am a helpline. And trust me, i was proud when everyone open up their dirty little secrets to me and when they trust my opinion. Often when my friends (boys) talk to me so frequent, their girlfriend got jealous.

So, i learned as i get older. That you don’t need to tell everything to everyone. And sometimes, better keep it to yourself. And as i get older, i realize that the more we have problem, the more we wanted to hide it. It’s because we feel more responsible and ashamed of things that we can’t control. We want to be a person who are dependable, capable, and wise. But, at some point, when everything gets harder, we feel like to throwing up everything to somebody but somehow, you just don’t have any clue where to point it out.

We, as an adult is framed by society to be a tough person. To be brave, and you can’t be seen as a weak individual. It’s not wrong, but is it means as an adult can’t feel sad, brokenhearted, disappointed, angry, or hopeless?

I hope we still can become weak at some point, without having to feel like failing. ♥️

Jakarta, August 2019

Do We Really Know What We Want?

So, this morning I came across an instagram post of one of my work colleague, raising a question of, ” is it worthed?” 

Now, time to reflect myself on the question.

Many times I have been asking for something better, something will make me happier in life, something that decent. For what? Exactly. I have never found the answer to that ‘larger than life’ wishes. Sometimes when I looked at my little family, I feel enough, I feel sufficient. I have everything I need in life and feel grateful of it.

But sometimes, I need something more. When I looked around my friends and see what they have achieve in life, my heart wonders. Can I have a better life, bigger income, higher position, or even a fancier things. Most of the people at my age probably already have their own house, riding their fancy cars, hold a very important jobs in the company, probably somebody else already have their own steady business, using a well-known global brands handbag or shoes.

Most of them are already step up their game. Meanwhile, me. Sitting in this room just trying to get my sense back by writing something. I know if I want more in life, i need to do more than just willing. Never in any life everything great happened just because we want it. I know i have should just raise the bar.

But, you know. Many times i freaked out when I have those courage. There are times, many times, I want to move to another company with bigger income, more rewards, just because I see my friends doing it. Lost of friends have found their new career path and getting their momentum. While I’m wondering when will be my turn, but anytime there comes the opportunity, I freak out. I will be envision myself, how many hours will I spent there, bigger income means bigger responsibility, how many times I need to have meeting everyday, will I have a chance to spend more time with my family.

Those kind of questions that keep coming back to my mind every time new opportunity comes. I will revisit my goal, what I do I really want (well- i mean, do i really know until now?), and everything start to make sense again. “Is it worthed?”

Do we really know what we want, exactly?

Jakarta, April 2019